Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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