I faked an abortion last night.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
