just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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