If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
