Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
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