When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
