Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
