So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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