How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
