if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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