Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
