dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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