just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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