Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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