I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
