I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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