It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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