Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
