i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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