I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
