I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
