Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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