The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
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she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
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Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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