you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
