If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
