I faked an abortion last night.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
