life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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