Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
