If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
