I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
