shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
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im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
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I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
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