you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
