I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
