sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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