Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You are a genius and a whore.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
