I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
