No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.