I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.