Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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