Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
