Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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