i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
