WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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