Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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