i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
