there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
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