do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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