Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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