Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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