one two three fourrrrnication!
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
