im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
This is the high leading the old right now
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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