Yo dont text me then not text me
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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