why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
