The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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