just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
