I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
