whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
