PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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