My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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