in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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