we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
