me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
