Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
